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PREPARING AND SHARING
by Stuart E. Rapp
When I walked into the kitchen from some errands in mid-morning, my wife held up
a scribbled message while talking quietly but urgently on the phone. “Danny was
killed in an auto accident early this morning near Frederick, Maryland” it read.
My second son was calling about the sudden death of his older brother. Certain
as death is to us all, probably nothing else can deliver its numbing shock. That
fact is what can make our FCA services so valuable, at the very time when we are
the least emotionally prepared, no matter how “ready” we planned to be.
Arriving at my son’s home near Washington, DC, before midnight, I managed a few
minutes alone with newly-widowed Julie, apart from our extended family. We both
sensed what difference a few minutes of planning would make in the rest of our
time together.
And indeed it did. Julie had already
largely decided that she preferred cremation to other practices, and a
family-based memorial gathering rather than a funeral home or traditional
church-based funeral. I told her of the resources I had discovered through my
membership in FCA of CT, and that, if she wished, I could explore them here for
possible sources of help. She readily agreed.
By next morning, we had found the
“yellow pages” entry for the FCA affiliate in her area. I left a message,
identifying myself as a FCA member and Board member in Connecticut. We received
a helpful callback from the emergency contact and learned from him about a
well-reputed cremation service and a nearby church with appropriate facilities.
The cremation service responded to
Julie’s call, visited her in person and patiently explained their services and
options. Julie asked them to handle the securing and disposition of Danny’s
body, which they did, in cooperation with a local crematorium. The service also
supplied all legal documentation and personal delivery of the ashes in a plain
but durable container. This enabled Julie to share the scattering of the ashes
with closest family members.
The cremation service met all these
needs with promptness, courtesy and reasonable cost. The use of these services -
and those of the religious facility and leadership - resulted in expenses more
modest than comparable functions of a standard funeral establishment. Naturally,
these choices vary depending on family preferences and requirements at time of
death.
As luck would have it - and there was
some luck involved - a helpful minister was available to lead the memorial
service, and the church welcomed us into their large fellowship space for a
beautiful and memorable celebration of Danny’s life by family, co-workers and
close friends. First, a gathering time enabled far-flung family and friends to
greet and share their grief. In the background was a photo montage; a long video
loop, prepared by closest co-workers, used Danny’s favorite music as the sound
track and showed images from various family albums from Danny’s birth to the
present.
The minister represented the
non-doctrinal part of the religious spectrum, so that the service concentrated
on spontaneous words of love and recollection from those closest to Danny. These
concluded with a simple and beautiful appreciation of his father by son Nathan,
the most moving words of all. The minister surrounded these “last tender offices
of faith and love” by readings from the Scriptures and concluding prayers. An
informal time with refreshments followed for those who could remain.
The luck I mentioned had to do with
the dovetailing of availability and time in this case, which nothing can
guarantee. The FCA affiliate, however, fully lived up to its own guarantee. It
helped us cope with the experience of death at reasonable cost, while enabling
the family to maintain its own dignity and that of the one who had died. I now
realize, more deeply than before, why membership in FCA is such a valuable asset
in our end-of-life planning.
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