Caring For Your Own Dead: Myths and Facts

E-mail Print

1/30/2009 - Joshua Slocum, FCA Executive Director

Caring for one's own dead isn't something the majority of families do. Most of us are so distant from the realities of death, we've forgotten that our great grandparents regularly waked the body at home, and an undertaker was a helper, not a funeral director. But in my six years as the executive director of FCA, there's been a surprising resurgence of interest in private, family-directed funerals. Formerly confined to a few hippies (I mean that affectionately) in Northern California, or in the pages of Lisa Carlson's Caring for the Dead, Your Final Act of Love, home funerals are finding new life in volunteer groups and in the mainstream media. In 2004, Public Television aired an hour-long documentary on the topic.

But families in seven states (CT, IN, LA, MI, NE, NY, UT) face legal obstacles. Astonishingly, those states have seen fit to require families to engage a funeral home for everything from filing the death certificate, to transporting the casket, to getting the body released from the hospital. Whether the family wants to hire a funeral director or not, whether they can afford to pay one or not. Click READ MORE for the rest of the story. . .

I know of no other instance in which private families are forced by law to engage the services of an outside business for such an intimate event. No law compels us to hire a nurse to supervise us when we care for our kids home sick with the flu. No regulations make our grandmothers the property of state-licensed nursing homes if we'd rather let them spend their declining years cared for by family. So what do these states know that the 43 other states which do permit home funerals don't know?

According to some funeral directors, the state has a legitimate interest in "supervising" the care of the body by compelling families to hire a funeral director. According to a recent article in the Good Funeral Guide, a blog based in the UK, Thomas Lynch is among them. Lynch, you may remember, is suing Funeral Consumers Alliance and the Funeral Ethics Organization in federal court, claiming that various criticisms of him by both organizations are libelous and defamatory. Obviously, FCA disagrees,  and we're not about to stop commenting on a public figure's pronouncements when they relate to our consumer protection mission. And Lynch's certainly do.

It's easy to get confused on this issue, and easy to get bamboozled by misinformation. Charles Cowling, the author of the Good Funeral Guide, probably doesn't know enough about US funerals, funeral law, and funeral costs state-side to know which of Lynch's arguments hold water, and which don't. That's OK - no one could expect the average person, especially overseas, to know the ins and outs of US funeraria. This is a good opportunity to clarify FCA's position on family-directed funerals and to lay to rest self-serving industry arguments that deprive families of an important right.

[Note - I'm going to respond to Cowling's reports of Lynch's statements, assuming in good faith he's portrayed them accurately. If it turns out otherwise, I'll be happy to correct this story. The issues remain the same, regardless].

Cowling notes that Wendy Lyons, president of the FCA affiliate in Detroit, Michigan, is campaigning to repeal a 2006 law that requires a funeral director's involvement in every funeral. So he asked Lynch what this law was all about:

First, that 2006 law. It was brought in after some abusive parents burned the body of their child. The state now requires that someone supervise the handling, disposition and disinterment of a dead person, someone, in Tom's words, "having some oversight, some witness to the verity of who died, of what, and what was done with the corpse ... In our state of Michigan the occupational group charged with collecting and registering these vital statistics and medical certification is licensees in mortuary science ... an occupational class which it licenses and regulates"
Reality Check 1: I'm not aware of the case Lynch cites, but it's impossible to figure out how the presence of a funeral director is going to stop people who murder their relatives and hide the evidence. Most murderers, after all, don't show up on the doorstep of a local funeral home or the medical examiner's office.

Reality Check 2
: In all US states, the last attending physician must certify the cause of death on the legally required death certificate. When there is no attending physican, the local medical examiner must certify the death, and the medical examiner has the authority to examine the body to be sure no foul play was committed. Once the death is certified, the state's interest in ensuring that murders don't go undetected has been satisfied. Requiring a family to engage a funeral director adds nothing but unnecessary costs and unwanted intrusion for those who want to do it themselves.

Reality Check 3
: Requiring mortician involvement in every burial is no guarantee the right thing will be done. Here's a story about a funeral home in Mr. Lynch's own state:
Jordan's body was stored in a locked garage at Notier-Ver Lee-Langeland Funeral Home, 315 E. 16th St., the Holland funeral home handling arrangements. Priority Arrowaste [the trash company] of Zeeland came Jan. 5, 2006 to pick up the funeral home's refuse and recyclables, which were in the same garage as the body. The driver noticed the box with the body, which was labeled with Jordan's name, on a gurney. He contacted a company representative and went ahead with loading the box in the truck, officials said.

Later Jordan's body was dumped by Priority Arrowaste into Autumn Hills landfill in the southeastern part of Zeeland Township.When the funeral home realized the body was missing, they contacted Priority Arrowaste and searches with state police cadaver dogs were conducted at the landfill. Jordan's body, however, could not be located.

Is this the "witness to the verity of who died, of what, and what was done with the corpse," Mr. Lynch intended? No one would claim this sort of thing is common in the funeral industry. It's obviously an isolated case of negligence. But it gives the lie to the claim that the presence of a funeral director guarantees "dignity" - or even cemetery burial. I doubt the family would have been so careless - so callous - with the body. To claim that we must have funeral director supervision to make sure some insane family doesn't cremate their dead in the backyard is not only nonsensical, it's a slur against the vast majority of decent people. We can trust families to take care of grandma at home with occasional hospice help, but the minute she stops breathing we need an undertaker's watchful eye to ensure they don't defile her corpse?

Cowling continues:
Tom goes on to say (and I include this exclusively for its word-music): "In Milford we can't burn leaves in the autumn, bury our trash in the back yard, drive an unlicensed vehicle or tend to the duties of our toilet in public.  Nor can we hunt squirrels, coyotes, deer or dogs in town.  "We the people" have made our laws, on these and a million other matters.  Including the dead."
Reality Check: Musical it may be, but it's also misleading and inept. No family is asking to burn or bury their loved ones in their suburban backyard. Home funeral families do the same thing with their dead that morticians do - they file the necessary paperwork and bring the body to the cemetery or crematory. And what this had to do with driving unlicensed vehicles is a mystery. Last I checked, citizens were able to file the paperwork for their licenses and vehicle registrations on their own without paying a high-priced courier to do it for them. I'm not even going to dignify the remark about public defecation with a response. Would Mr. Lynch take such a vulgar view of the motivations of one of his customers if a family he'd served before decided to do it at home this time around?

Cowling asks Mr. Lynch if the Michigan law gives funeral directors the upperhand:

Does this give Tom a stranglehold over families who would wish to care for their dead themselves? I put it to him. "Would I," I asked, "in the State of Michigan, be able to keep [my dead wife, Sharon,] with me and tend to her and take her to her place of final dissolution (earthly or fiery) without the intervention of a funeral director except in an administrative capacity as the envoy of the state government? Would I be able to engage a funeral director in a consultative capacity to drop in, say, twice a day and deal with the stuff that's coming up out of her nose, but stay his hand in matters I wanted him to keep out of?"

Tom's reply: "What you describe as what you want for you and your Sharon, and the partnership or collaboration that you have control over with the funeral director, is PRECISELY allowed under the law and ENCOURAGED (right word) by me and everyone who works with me.
Reality Check: While most families will use a funeral home, and many home-funeral families do appreciate (and gladly pay for) limited assistance from an undertaker, that does not make it ethical to force  this "help" on unwilling people. An unwilling customer is not being helped; he's being coerced.

More from Cowling's article:
What that 2006 law means is that (Tom's words) "any legal next of kin may make any decisions about handling, possessing, burying, burning, scattering, disinterring a body, and is not prevented from doing so at their own home, in their own style, at their own pace, with their own people ... It DOES NOT MEAN that only a funeral director may handle or dispose of a body.  It only means that a funeral director must supervise.  What level of oversight might be involved is up to the agreement between an individual family and the individual funeral director. "

Wendy Lyons says there's a human rights issue in this. Can't see it, Wendy.

Reality Check: It may be hard to see because Mr. Lynch doesn't mention some important considerations:

  • Money. What Mr. Lynch hasn't mentioned is that, in the US, our Federal Trade Commission - the analog to Britain's Office of Fair Trading - permits funeral homes to charge all customers a "basic services fee." This is the fee all customers must pay, regardless of how simple or elaborate the funeral. The fee is intended to cover basics such as the filing of the death certificate, the planning of the burial or cremation, etc. But it is routinely inflated to unconscionable levels. The national average is $1,200, and in many cases it climbs higher than $3,000.

    There is nothing in the law that prevents a funeral home from levying the full fee, even for the minimal work of filing the death certificate. FCA gets thousands of calls and emails from consumers every year, and I've seen such usury plenty of times. It does not matter if Mr. Lynch or any other funeral director claims he wouldn't charge the full amount - there's no law preventing less scrupulous funeral homes from doing so.

  • Self-serving laws. The laws in Michigan (and several other states) are perfectly contrived to ensure that funeral directors not only have the opportunity to profit from every death in the state, but the right to on pain of legal penalty. Michigan statutes ban funeral directors from from  “(d) Aiding or abetting an unlicensed person to engage in the practice of funeral directing or embalming.” So, even if a funeral director wants to help a home-funeral family, the law could be read to require him to be present and supervise the whole thing from start to finish. And since funeral directors deserve to be paid for their time, the family is on the hook for the bill. How much will he charge the family to supervise, say, a two-day Irish wake?

It should be clear how the laws are conveniently constructed to thwart families who want privacy, or who can't afford to hire an undertaker, while enabling funeral directors to claim "the law requires me to be here or I could lose my license."

Cowling ends:

Let's hand the microphone to Tom: "I'm the one, after all, who has preached for thirty-five years that OURS IS A SPECIES THAT DEALS WITH DEATH BY DEALING WITH OUR DEAD.  And that part of the funeral director's job is to embolden families to do all that they can themselves.  But you are right, some want to be empowered, others to be served, others not to be bothered at all.  Our job is to meet them where they are on this continuum and help where we can when we're asked."


Then please, Mr. Lynch, practice what you preach. If you hold death rites in such high regard, if you care as passionately as we do about empowering families to make meaningful funeral experiences, then join us in overturning these unnecessary laws. Otherwise your words are all sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Family-Directed Funeral Resources on the Web

It's worth saying again: Michigan is in the minority. The vast majority (43) of US states preserve families' rights to bury their own dead without commercial interference. It's Michigan that needs to explain why the rest of the country is wrong.

Thankfully, several states offer consumers helpful guides on how to file necessary legal paperwork and accomplish private family funerals. Why aren't they afraid of   undertaker-free farewells?

  • Home Burials in Vermont - A Guide From the Health Department - A very helpful guide to the necessary paperwork families must complete if they choose a home funeral. Josh Slocum of FCA, and Lisa Carlson of the Funeral Ethics Organization, co-wrote and edited portions of the guide in cooperation with the state of Vermont.
  • The most powerful testimony to the value of home funerals (and the necessity of preserving access to them) is found in Public Television's groundbreaking documentary, A Family Undertaking. The film follows five families around the country who returned to the simple and private practice of home funerals. Anyone who watches this film would be hard-pressed to argue against preserving this right. The site includes a legal Q&A from Josh Slocum and Lisa Carlson.
Home funeral training and support groups and resources:
  • Click here for FCA's list of 13 volunteer groups and online directories specializing in educating families on home funerals.
Efforts to return family rights to private care of the dead (please support them):

FCA is the only national, nonprofit organization that advocates exclusively for the rights of grieving families. We need your support to continue acting as a watchdog to preserve the rights of the bereaved. You can help with a tax-deductible donation. Thank you for your support!

Last Updated ( Friday, 30 January 2009 21:43 )  
Comments (14)
1 Saturday, 31 January 2009 16:05
Laurie Mulvey
Thank you Josh for your cogent piece. The power of misinformation is often in the clever use of nuance, the verbal sleight of hand. You have shed light on the falsehoods and contradictions that keep people from knowing their rights and truly making the choices that will support them in their grief. Bravo.
2 Sunday, 01 February 2009 00:46
Olivia Bareham
As a Death Midwife, also known as a Home Funeral Guide, I have the honor of serving families in Los Angeles who wish to care for a deceased loved one, at home. I am always amazed at the profound healing that takes place as a loved one is carefully bathed, anointed, dressed and lovingly prepared for burial or cremation. Family members innately know how to take care of the dead, just as we innately know how to care for a newborn. It is instinctual, and one of the few opportunities we have left to really experience the sacred mystery of life.
3 Wednesday, 04 February 2009 11:06
Tom von Alten
Oh my.

So nice to have someone "help where we can when we're asked." What does that have to do with legal compulsion to pay someone for something you don't want or need?
4 Sunday, 08 February 2009 17:32
Michigan Undertaker
As a licensed death care professional for 30 years , i find that giving people enough time to make decisions is the key. Just because someone died last night, does not mean you have to bury him tomorrow! Let other family members get in on what to do (but not too many lest the planning go on for days). Having the minister sit in on the arrangements gives the family a sense of comfort, and really helps keep everyone honest! And call around, if you are suspicious of being double talked, you CAN have the deceased taken somewhere else.
5 Saturday, 14 February 2009 10:25
Charlene Elderkin
As a home funeral educator, I find a wide range of people interested in taking responsibility for caring for their own. Some are do-it-yourselfers, some are looking for options as consumers so they don't over-pay, some are interested in green-friendly anything, but most that I see are motivated by a desire to practice their death rituals or spiritual beliefs in the environment of their choosing where they are in control. I find a combination of deep spirituality and a love of life that includes a quick-witted sense of humor.

Please add the Threshold Care Circle of Viroqua, WI to your list of Home funeral educators. Our website is at
Groups are also springing up in the Madison and Milwaukee areas.
6 Friday, 20 February 2009 10:08
Holly Stevens
What a great rebuttal, Josh! I appreciate also how respectfully you treated Charles Cowling while pointing out one by one the fallacies he accepted in Thomas Lynch's statements.

As the home funeral movement grows, I predict that our death-phobic culture gradually will come to accept a full continuum in death care, from family-directed funerals that have no place for a licensed caretaker to total dependency on a licensed caretaker in caring for the dead until the moment of final disposition. Funeral homes that demonstrate a willingness to serve only in a very limited capacity when that is what a family desires and develop transparent pricing on their general price lists that make it clear that they will not impose full basic services fee on these limited services will be the ones that home funeral practitioners will choose to work with. In North Carolina, FCA of the Piedmont and a local Crossings group are planning to collaborate in an effort to canvas funeral homes in our areas to see if we can get some of them to bring transparency to their GPLs over the issue of family-directed funerals that they are required by the Funeral Rule to bring to more conventional funeral goods and services. THIS is an approach to advocacy that will serve the funeral consumer, not legislative measures designed to limit the roles families can play in caring for their own after death.
7 Friday, 20 February 2009 10:42
Donna Belk, Austin, Texas
Josh, thank you for bringing reality into these biased statements. I find your writing clear, straightforward and easy to follow. I am so relieved that you and others are out there keeping an eye on the funeral industry!
8 Sunday, 26 April 2009 21:50
Bob Bohannon
Why can't a person dig a hole in his yard and bury a family member there without a casket? certainly the local government would have to verify that the death was not the result of any wrong doing. At a slight fee, of course. Or, better yet, why can't bodies be disposed of with our other trash. Remember man, that thou art dust, and into dust thou shalt return.

Funerals are nothing morre than huge money makers for funeral homes, florists, cemeteries and restaurants/caterers.
9 Thursday, 30 July 2009 10:10
dorothy shields
You assert that FCA members usually want to use the funeral parlor's services for burial in a cemetery. Not I! (for one) ... What I'm interested in is a burial that amounts to composting, so that my physical remains return to the earth, and the renewal of life-cycle processes, a.s.a.p. (and have NOT been chemically-adulterated first). I don't think I'm alone in this, but I'm only just beginning to hear about how other people are beginning to 'organize' around this idea.
10 Thursday, 30 July 2009 13:07
Josh Slocum
"You assert that FCA members usually want to use the funeral parlor's services for burial in a cemetery. Not I! (for one) ..."

Dorothy, who do you believe asserted that? I certainly didn't, and you won't find that statement in anything I wrote above. I noted that most people will end up using a funeral home, but I didn't state anything about most FCA members wanting one thing over another. The entire point of my article was to advocate for unconventional choices - your very own concern. Please slow down and read a little more carefully - we're on the same side.

Josh Slocum
11 Saturday, 20 July 2013 13:15
I live in Huntsville al, can I have a home funeral for my loved one!
12 Sunday, 21 July 2013 14:49
Josh Slocum
Yes, Paula, you can. See here
13 Thursday, 01 May 2014 13:07
Ron Russell
I wish I was a cartoonist for I have a cartoon in mind. In it two men in business suits stand on either side of a woman with a purse over her shoulder. Their bodies partially obscure a coffin. A sign over their heads reads, "Filch Funeral Home. The one one her left with an MFDA pin on his suit hugs her. There is a large tear in his eye. We can't see the woman's face as he deftly opens her purse and hands money to the second man who has an American flag on his lapel and an attache case which reads, Lansing." The caption would read, "We're so sorry for your loss."

As one currently in the death process with my mother and desiring a home funeral without the intrusive presence of strangers, I find it abhorrent that the State would mandate we hand over our loved ones to strangers. This is despotism dressed in the attitude that says we have only your best interest at heart. But then the tyrannical always say they are only doing what's best for us. Wendy is right! This is a civil rights issue. Why aren't we marching on Lansing? Any other industry in the United States would find itself at the center of anti-trust investigations if it "cornered" the market on a single service.

My mother lies dying and the State of Michigan, those inept or worse indifferent legislators in Lansing, tell me they know better than me how to ease her passage with care and loving respect. These very persons who, according to the book "Going Out Green" by Don Butz, are supported by the lobbyists of an $11 billion dollar industry. Legislated monopoly may be their gift to this industry of death but such laws violate the pursuit of happiness and our inviolable covenant to care for those we love unobstructed by self-serving business interests. Any law that denies family members the right to care for their dead free of excise is not only unjust. It is immoral.
14 Thursday, 10 March 2016 17:23
This is awesome, I just found this law out and I am outraged. I am so glad I came across this, because I do want to rise up against this. Mercy, Dear God! We don't have a choice for much anymore. Thank you, you put a lot of work into this.

Add your comment

Your name: